


I'm Not Ladybug

by Just_A_Wolf



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrian learns some stuff, Eating Disorders, F/M, Hurt and comfort, Ladybug needs love, Plagg and TIkki love each other, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:25:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23210146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_A_Wolf/pseuds/Just_A_Wolf
Summary: Marinette no longer feels much of anything anymore. There’s no hope, no motivation, just dullness. Just an aching numbness for things to be the way they used to be. She can laugh at Cat’s jokes, she can save Paris, she can listen to her friends at school and do her schoolwork. She can still do it all. Until one day she can’t. One day she decides she just can’t do it.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Plagg/Tikki (Miraculous Ladybug)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

It was another day. Just like any other day. Marinette heard her alarm go off and felt the tears slide down her face. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. She didn’t know why she couldn’t just be...happy. She could remember vague memories of being happy. Laughing with Chat. Of dreaming of being a fashion designer, of telling secrets with Alya of daydreaming of being with Adri-Adrian...the tears fell heavier than before. Thinking of the boy who would never love her back. Who was in love with a friend of hers...Kigami. It hurt so much, to not be able to dislike the girl who took the boy she loved away. She felt any form of life she had left slipping away.   
Her lovely red Kwami flew her way over to her and turned the alarm off for her owner. “Marinette you have to wake up now.” It was said softly and with the lightest of smiles. The sadness showed in her eyes though, the worry was there too. It only made Marinette feel guiltier. Guiltier than she already felt. She felt guilty for everything she did. She was never good enough, not for Chat, not for Paris, not for Adrian.   
“I’m really not feeling it Tikki.” Her friend hovered over her for a second.  
“Marinette you really need to go.” She wiped the tears on her blanket and forced herself up. Putting on the usual outfit she used to love so much. Now she hated anything that was on her body. She didn’t really like anything these days. She couldn’t even find energy to stick food in her mouth anymore. She knew she had lost weight. She knew it wasn’t good because she was already so thin. She just didn’t care.   
Tikki followed her down the stairs before flying into her purse. Marinette smiled and waved to her parents. She took the pastry that was handed to her, thanking her mom before running out. “Marinette you should really eat that. I don’t think you’ve eaten in days. It’s been at least four. Please eat it for me?” Marinette looked at the Kwami in front of her. Smiling, she took a very very small bite.   
“There, I have now eaten.” She waved seeing Alya up ahead. “Tikki hide.” She walked to her friend offering her the pastry that was eagerly accepted along with the line ‘Lucky girl, you must get so many pastries in your stomach that you can willingly give me this delicious delicacy.”Marineete smiled and giggled. Doing the usual Marinette thing. She wasn’t even quite sure what that meant anymore. They walked and talked and she listened to Alya talk about the Ladyblog. She hated herself for not being able to truly care. She cared she really did. She just couldn’t feel it. Somewhere in the back of her head she didn’t want to be there. She wanted to be back in bed. She wanted to...she wanted to never wake up.   
The thought surprised her. She had never thought that before. Wanted to sleep in? Yes. To not wake up? Never. That’s death. She had almost died plenty of time as Ladybug. It was always a possibility with her secret life. She had never been scared by that though, it had never really occurred to her she supposed. The thought scared her if she was being honest with herself. What scared her most was the peace that came with that thought. She felt her lips tug up. Felt something that felt vaguely like hope bubbled up inside her. Hope for an end to the life she had gotten so so tired of living.   
She smiled and looked at Alya and Nino. Then suddenly Adiran and Kagami were there too, laughing and talking to everyone. Adrian spoke to her and she made sure to pay attention. She no longer stuttered around Adrian. She could speak to him as though he were anyone else. It shocked everyone, everyone except her. It was a loss of hope. She knew. She no longer felt she would ever be with him, so she no longer felt excitement when she spoke to him. She only saw the broken dream of a boy she once loved. She still cared about him, she was sure she still loved him. She just felt nothing but a very distant sadness when she saw him. It made her seem more normal, which she supposed was good. Everyone had told her she was doing so well. She guessed that if it meant she no longer cared for a single thing in life she was in fact doing very well.   
The school day went by quickly and she was on her way home when the next Akuma hit. She felt a little excitement hit. This was the one thing in her life she felt she did somewhat well. She felt the adrenaline hit. “Alright Tikki spots on!” She could almost feel that her voice sounded the same enthusiastic way it used to. She smiled a genuine smile feeling all of her senses becoming heightened due to the Miraculous. Her smile grew seeing her feline friend soar across the top of the buildings above her. “Hey there Kitty.” She muttered as she ran up to catch her partner.   
Chat Noir had managed to make her smile over the last few months. Him and Tikki had been her life savers. Thinking of the two did bring her genuine gratitude. She picked up her speed ready to take down this monster...not too quickly of course.   
She laughed as she swung back down next to her partner. She leaned onto her knees taking in deep breaths. “That was the hardest one we’ve fought in a while!”   
“You seem so happy about it Milady.” He teased her as he too caught his breath.  
“I am! You have no idea Chat...that was the best time I’ve had in so long!” She laughed taking in the moment. She looked to her partner, noting he was silent. He stared at her with that sweet smile and those warm eyes. The ones that made her feel the same warmth, but also the ones she knew she was fully undeserving of. “What?” She asked softly.  
“Nothing. You’re just...you’re just so beautiful when you smile like that. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you look so carefree.” The next smile was sadder.   
“It’s been a long time since I have been carefree. It feels so good. Doesn’t this just feel right?”   
Her eyes sparkled in a way that made his heart leap. He didn’t care what he was supposed to feel. He knew looking at the amazing girl in front of him it didn’t matter how much she rejected him, or how much he wanted to choose Kigami over her. Just to save himself the sadness. He couldn’t. She wasn’t his Lady. The girl of his dreams stood in front of him with her eyes sparkling and her smile lighting up the world.   
“Bugaboo are you alright?” It was a simple question. One that made her heart ache. Ache to just tell someone the truth. Tell someone that no, she was indeed not alright. She hadn’t been in a long time. If anyone could be that person it could be Chat. She knew this. She trusted him with every piece of her. So when she looked at him he could see the honesty there. Which is why it hurt so much when the words that came out were “No, my Chaton. I am not.” She only maintained eye contact for a brief second before looking out to the city ahead of them. There didn’t need to be words for him to hug her. He would hold her as long as she needed him, they both knew in that moment she did. She needed him more than anything.   
“I’m here for you My Lady. I’m always here.”   
“I know Kitty. I just don’t know if I’ll always be.” Those words made his heart drop painfully. He could feel it in every part of him. He knew what she meant by that. He couldn’t breath. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t do anything. His grip tightened on her, whether it was for comfort or a warning he didn’t know.   
“What do you mean?” There was a silence that fell over them. A dark one that threatened to eat them. She took in a breath trying to remind herself this was bad. That she had shared too much, that she was making him worry, something she never wanted to do, but she needed to talk. She finally grew enough sense to change her words. Before she could spill anything else she calmly replied. “It’s nothing. Just a thought.” She burrowed herself further into his embrace, Allowing herself to relish there for just a while longer. She became angry at herself hearing her earrings beep. “I wish I could stay.” She muttered sadly.   
“Then stay.” There was hope in his eyes. In that gentle smile that she loved. She had always known he wanted to know who she was, but was she ready to know who he was? He wouldn’t have long either. Were they ready for this? She really didn’t care either way. She trusted him. She thought about it before smiling gently and beginning to walk backwards. “I can’t let you find out what a loser I am.” With those parting words she had thrown her yoyo and swung away.”   
Chat frowned. He could never see Ladybug as a loser. She could collect comic books and sit in garbage cans and he would never consider her a loser. Not ever! He wanted to chase after her as he does most days when they part, but he knew he couldn't. He would always respect her wishes. He watched her go before running off to detransform himself.   
The walk back to the bakery was silent. Marinette played over and over the good moment in her head trying to ignore the dread she felt as Marinette. Tikki kept watching her nervously. It wasn’t until they had been walking for five minutes before Tikki spoke up. “Hey Marinette? What was all that about?” Marinette looked down to her little friend frowning tiredly.   
“What do you mean?”   
“You said you didn’t know if you’d always be around...it just sort of sounded like...bad. It sounded bad. I know you’re not alright Marinette! Something needs to change. I don’t know what to do! You’re my best friend and I can’t lose you alright! The world can’t lose you.”   
“Oh come on Tiki you know that Master Fu would just assign you another owner who would do the job just as well or more likely better than me. Then you would have a new awesome Ladybug to follow around.” Tikki tried not to let her friend's words hurt her as her friend herself was hurting.   
“I know you don’t mean that. You know you’re not replaceable. Master Fu himself has said so. You and Chat Noir are the best versions there have ever been.”   
Marinette looked even sadder. Something Tikki wasn’t expecting. “If I’m the best you’ve got then you’re doomed.” She walked past Tikki continuing towards her home.   
“Marinette that’s not true! I won’t allow you to speak so lowly of yourself!”   
“What are you going to do about it Tikki! I am nothing! I haven’t done anything in a long time! It would be better for everyone involved if I just disappeared.” The last part came out so quiet and defeated Tikki wouldn’t have caught it if she hadn’t been close. Not knowing what else to do she cuddled up to her owner’s cheek and held her as tight as she could while no one was around.  
“That’s not true.” She muttered to herself and Marinette as they continued their walk. Tikki thought and thought as they made their way into her room. She had to tell someone. She had to help! She couldn’t watch her owner tear herself apart any longer! Nor could she watch her do something stupid. She knew exactly who to go to.


	2. She Needs Help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi! Here’s another chapter of poor Angsty...well everyone. I’m probably messed up, but I love a good angst comfort.

Tikki watched sadly as Marinette’s breathing finally evened out, that frown stayed though. GIving one last glance to her owner she flew out the door towards the one person she could think to help. 

Plagg was happily eating cheese watching his owner sleep. He felt himself smile happily. He truly did love Adrian, this was the happiest he had been in hundreds of years. Plus this time around he knew 

where Ladybug’s Kwami lived as well. This was a rare occurrence. It was so rare to actually be able to find her. The choosing of his owners this round was brilliant since they knew each other. He 

remembered the day he saw her when both owners had decided to detransform to save themselves. He had almost not been able to contain his shock. She had to shush him. He had felt such relief that he 

thought he’d cry. She was the one thing-next to his current owner- he’d always love above cheese. So imagine his excitement when he sees the fiery red Kwami appear in his window. 

He was still shoveling cheese in his mouth when she flew through. “Plagg? Plagg?” He heard her whisper into the dark room. He smirked, popping out from under the blanket on the bed. 

“Hey there Sugarcube, miss me?” He teased his longtime friend. Though he always had wished she’d be more….not that he’d ever tell her that. He frowned when he waited for her to scold him for the 

name calling. The scolding never came. Meaning something was wrong with Tikki. “Tikki?” 

He floated up to the red Kwami who was breathing quite heavily. Tiki had found once she got outside she couldn’t take her time in getting to her partners. It was as though all of the panic of the last few 

days was finally hitting her. She had to get help and she wanted it quickly. She had not paused in her track across the town to get to Plagg. Plagg always made her feel better. She needed comfort, Marinette 

was making her nervous and she couldn’t take it at that moment. She needed to be around someone who was always happy...even if it was a sarcastic form of happy. 

“Plagg!” Tikki found herself wrapped in Plagg’s comforting embrace. It felt as though she could finally breathe. Everything would be alright. Plagg always made everything alright. 

Plagg was shocked to say the least! It had been years since Tiki had been the one to insinuate physical contact. It wasn’t really her thing. Plagg had always been more of a hugger than Tiki. He knew 

something was wrong when she lunged at him, squeezing him tight against her. Plagg couldn’t even be excited about the close contact because fear immediately overtook him. 

Was she injured? 

No no she had flown all the way here, she couldn’t be hurt and do that. 

Was there an akuma? 

No she would be with Marinette if that was the case, already Ladybugging it up. 

Was Marinette injured? Oh no no no Marinette couldn’t be injured could she! Adrian would lose it! Marinette was the best Ladybug; they couldn’t lose her! 

Was Master Fu injured? 

Plagg stay calm. 

Plagg held her tight while panic started to consume him. 

‘Plagg stay calm, she needs you right now.’ 

“Tikki what’s wrong?” His friend pulled away, eyes pooling with tears. That made Plagg’s heart clench. He had hardly ever-save for a few touchy talks the two had in the past-seen Tikki cry. She was 

breathing too hard. She was hyperventilating. He held her firmly by the shoulders. “Tikki look at me. Breathe ok? Whatever is happening it will be okay. We’re us after all. Nothing can stop us, especially not 

together. It’s going to be alright.” His words calmed the Kwami enough to at least speak, even if her breathing wasn’t fully recovered. 

“I-it’s M-” The bubbles spilled out of her mouth, only causing her frustration. “It’s my owner. S-she’s not d-doing well.” Her words garbled due to panicking. “S-s-something's wrong!” Plagg pulled her to 

him again, rubbing her back as she started to breathe at a normal rate again. Plagg’s heartbeat was helping her as it thumped against her own chest. Showing her heart what to do as well. 

“Shhh. Take your time. What’s wrong with her?” It annoyed both Kwami’s to a ridiculous amount at not being able to use their owners' names. Especially since both knew each other's owners anyway. 

“Plagg things are so wrong right now. She’s never usually l-like this. She’s not happy anymore, hardly ever. I mean she laughed and smiled with...your owner, but that’s it. It’s the first time in at least a 

week. I-I just don’t know what to do. I’ve always prided myself on studying humans well, but I don’t understand this! I don’t understand her! I don’t understand anything! I’m so stupid! I can’t help her!” 

Plagg squeezed her tighter to him. Rocking her against him in hopes it would calm her. He had never, not EVER seen his partner in crime like this. Tikki was normally almost as calm as he was. Adrian had 

panic moments every once in a while so he did what he could, but he didn’t know THAT much. 

“Hey hey none of that talk. I won’t let you say those things about my favorite Kwami in the whole world. She is beautiful, amazing, strong, and incredibly incredibly intelligent, thank you very much.” It 

got a small chuckle out of the red. They stayed like this for a few minutes before he deemed it ok to release her to instead holding her shoulders. Anchoring her to him if need be. “So what happened?” The 

ever so slightly peaceful look the Kwami had in her eyes was immediately toned with high regret and sadness. 

“It’s all just kind of been building up. She’s not a sad person. She always bounces back. THis is what I told myself the first four days, but it hit five and she wasn’t changing. She stopped laughing, 

stopped joking and then just stopped….well everything. She hardly speaks to me anymore. She’s not mad at me, but anytime we talk we argue because I can’t understand why she’s doing this to herself-” 

“Doing what?” She had lost him. 

“She’s…” Tikki really didn’t want to say it. What had been said between her and Marinette were just words between them until she brought someone else in. Once she did that it couldn’t be ignored 

anymore...was this wrong? 

“TIkki…” He spoke gently. If this weren’t such a bad time, Tikki would be in awe of how well Plagg has pulled himself together for this. How mature and kind and considerate he is being. How sweet and 

utterly affectionate. How she could see the care he had for her in his eyes. None of it occurred to her at that moment. 

She looked up at him and he could see the hesitation there. He could see how much being here with this problem was hurting her. How much she had grown to care for that owner of hers, something 

that he too was guilty of. “She’s hurting herself.” 

Plagg frowned at the words. “Hurting herself? What do you mean?” He had no clue why a human would do this to themselves. 

“She’s hardly eaten anything in the last four days and it’s only because I guilted her. She’s pulling away from everyone, she doesn’t care about school anymore. I...I’m worried it’s going to get worse. 

Today when she was with Chat Noir. She said something scary.” 

Plagg thought over the conversation when it dawned on him. He hadn’t really been listening to much of what the two owners had said, but he did start paying attention when his owner's mood dropped 

and heart rate began to increase. He paid attention. ‘I don’t know if I’ll always be here.’ 

“She said she didn’t know if she’d always be here.” Tikki nodded. “Tikki we don’t know for sure what that means. Humans are survivors. I don’t think humans, certainly not Ladybug of all people would 

throw her life away. She’s worth too much.” Tikki wanted to believe those words, but she did not think her owner's words should be taken so lightly. 

“Plagg, what if that’s not how she feels though? I asked her about it on the way home and she said she didn’t matter. She said none of it mattered! What if she really does plan to end it? What if she plans 

to become careless in her fighting and die like that! Plagg, this is so bad.” 

The more she spoke the more worried Plagg became. He had met Ladybug and she didn’t seem to be irrational, but then again it was never usually her personal life that was being affected. Maybe she 

was only sensical in other people’s lives and not her own. “We just have to make sure that doesn’t happen then.” Tikki looked up a little surprised at the determination in his voice. His eyes were sharp and 

focussed. 

“What do we do?” 

“We keep an eye on her. If it gets worse I will let my owner know so we have a human on our side. If it keeps getting worse we might have to get Master involved.” Tikki gasped 

“What if he takes her Miraculous! Plagg I love her. I can't lose her! And she can’t lose me! You, Chat, and me are all she has.” 

“Tikki if all else fails, Master will know what to do. She’s one of the best. I don’t think he’d ever take that away from her.” Tiki smirked at his words. 

“What do you mean one of the best? She is the best.” 

“Oh please Sugarcube. My owner could take her down in a fight anyday.” 

“Umm, hasn't she saved your owner's life many times?” 

‘Hey it’s not his fault she’s too happy to get akumatized. My owners had a rough go.” The laughing got cut off thinking back to it. She wasn't happy anymore, and that just wouldn’t do.


	3. Someone On Her Side

Tikki stayed with Plagg the entire night. Too out of her mind scared to go back to her owner yet. She just needed someone to comfort her for a little while. Plagg did just that. Always, for her it was always. They both knew it. Tikki smiled, snuggling further into the warm arms of Plagg. She felt herself fading as the night drew on. Drawn into the comforting cocoon of darkness and peace that always surrounded Plagg. With him petting her head and his heartbeat thumping against her, how could she not be consumed with sleep.  
“Tikki….Tikki…” Tikki frowned furrowing further into the warmth of the bed around her. “Tikki.” Wait...why was her pillow moving when she heard that voice? That voice...oh no!  
“Plagg?” Her voice was scratchy with sleep. Something the black cat found endearing. He watched her facial features become more aware.  
“I'm here Tikki.” Her eyebrows furrowed as she clearly was still tired and wanted to sleep more. He wished he could give her that. He’d give her anything in the world.  
“What time is it?” He smiled as she stubbornly kept her eyes shut. Her facial features relaxed as she decided on more sleep.  
“It’s almost 7. A-he will wake up in about twenty.” She sighed discontent with no more sleep. Her blue eyes popped open, locking in on Plagg’s. Those eyes and that smile could melt his heart, yes, the one he calms he didn’t have. Her eyes crinkled as she smiled at the Kwami in front of her. Plagg was truly amazing. By far her favorite of Kwami’s, maybe even people. Hmm, he’d have to share with Marinette. At the thought of Marinette Tikki felt her peace start to fade away from her. Plagg of course immediately noticed. “Tikki, it’s all going to be okay, Don’t let that gorgeous smile on your face fade. It hasn’t changed in the hundreds of years we’ve known each other, don’t let it start to change now.”  
“Thanks Plagg.”  
“Anytime Tikki.” They stayed like that for a few more minutes. Just staying in each other’s presence. Cuddled up in the warmth of the morning sun. Both silently thought about how this would be marked down as one of their favorite days of all time.  
“Plagg?” Both froze hearing the sound of Adrian beginning to wake up to start his day. They would have a hard time explaining why Ladybug’s Kwami had ended up at his house cuddled up next to his Kwami the entire night.  
“Stay here, I have a plan.” Tikki frowned ready to protest, but Plagg was already flying towards his owner throwing the blanket over her in the process. “Adriaaaaaannnnn I need cheese pronto! It’s an emergency! I had a nightmare and only cheese will help! Pleaassseee.”  
“I’m sorry Plagg. What was your nightmare about?” Adrian popped one eye open to watch his Kwami and try to pay attention to what he was saying.  
“It was about not having any more cheese! It was horrible! Like end of the world devastating Ad-” A bubble pops out of hi mouth making both Kwami’s and Adrian freeze. Oh no!  
“Plagg?” Plagg snapped out of his frozen mindset 

“It was about not having anymore cheese! It was horrible! Like end of the world devastating Ad-” A bubble pops out of his mouth making both Kwami’s and Adrian freeze. Oh no!  
“Plagg?” Plagg snapped out of his frozen mindset  
“Hmm yeah?” Adrien watched him skeptically.  
“What’s going on?” Plagg laughed nervously trying desperately to not look at Tikki’s head poking out from under the blanket as she eyed the window.  
“What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong except I need cheese! Adrien you’re supposed to be the best owner ever! So please please don’t deny me that beautiful cambermet.” Adrien smiled at his silly silly Kwami. He decided his Kwami truly was just starving.  
“Fine fine, but only if you tell me I am in fact the best owner.” Plagg rolled his eyes, but followed his owner to the little counter where his cheese was hidden. He did watch out of the corner of his eye as Tikki snuck her way out. He smirked, of course his Ladybug would never wait for his signal to leave.


End file.
